Oh, tell me, tell me,
How is it that a sorceress, a witch of sorts,
Can make a garden grow such succulent lettuce,
Organic and addictive as chocolate?
Once upon a time,
There was a hippie lady.
She must have taken too much acid
In her day, for she was wasting away
Because she couldn't get enough lettuce
From her evil neighbor's garden.
Her hippie husband was equally tripped out.
He would climb the fence to steal
The life-saving lettuce for her.
Until the sorceress caught him and he made a deal:
The lettuce for his pregnant wife's baby.
In their tripped-out world
It all made sense.
And so a child was born.
The sorceress wasn't about to forget her coupon:
The father's promise.
She showed up to redeem it,
Took the child and named it Rapunzel,
In memory of the stolen lettuce and the wife,
Who had suddenly died.
Rapunzel was a lovely child,
As healthy as a salad.
But when she turned fourteen and her virginity began to ripen,
The sorceress locked her up in a nonsensical building
Designed by a mad architect, a place without a door
Or stairs to reach her sealed prettiness up in a penthouse tower.
A few years passed, and one day one of the Kennedys
Was hiking in the sorceress' woods (she owned a whole forest,
She was a rich witch), and he heard Rapunzel singing.
The girl's loneliness and her imprisoned virginity
Gifted her a beautiful voice. The Kennedy felt her singing stir his flesh.
Although he didn't find a door to go up to his woodsy siren,
He couldn't stay away, he kept coming back
Day after day, to hear the lonely girl sing the blues to the treetops.
Then one time, he heard the sorceress
Call "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."
And he knew what he had to do.
He had to imitate the witch, which he did
Until dumb Rapunzel gave him away.
She blurted to her bad mother that she was heavier
Than her secret lover.
A big mistake. There's a form of vanity that's madness.
A crazy bitch boiling with incest and jealousy
Should never be told she's fat.
The sorceress took her revenge,
She had Rapunzel exiled into poverty and welfare checks,
But not before throwing the Kennedy out the window.
On the way down, the rose thorns scratched his eyes
And blinded him.
And so the Kennedy boy
Wandered blind over the country as big as his grief.
Until, years later, he came upon Rapunzel living
With five kids in a trailer in a sad Mississippi swamp town.
She was singing her old blues.
They got it on right there and then
And her tears fell on his eyes.
He could see again.
Oh, but magic can be a bag of dirty tricks.
He saw the years had made her ugly and heavy set.
In the mirrors which blindness had closed off for years
He was reacquainted with his preserved good looks.
He left Rapunzel there, as he had found her.
While in another part of the Great Country,
The sorceress' garden bloomed and she took in lovers,
Banishing the years under the plastic surgeon's knife.
Haughty and taut she walked the days of her triumph,
Untouched by the ruins of time.
Indeed, the Pinochets of the world live on and win in the end.
She felled her forest for profit and her mad architect
Built a whole city in her name.
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